Pining for the NHS!

Alright, so here's my current deal--I don't have health insurance. I don't get employment-based benefits because my current job is a temporary position. So I applied for COBRA and private insurance WELL in advance to make sure I'd be covered. And yet I am still fucked. Shocker.

Basically right now I am stuck. I sent in my COBRA paperwork almost a month ago and haven't heard a damn thing. Lord only knows if it got misplaced and it's floating around in federal government paperwork hell somewhere. Not to mention that it's gonna cost me $350 per month to keep so I am really hoping that the private insurance comes through.

Well imagine my surprise when I get a letter from the private insurance company on Friday evening (of course, when you can't call anyone) saying they can't cover me cause I have a pre-existing condition. Are you shitting me, devil company? How's about you go into your little computer of doom and see how YOU IDIOTS WERE COVERING ME FOR THE EXACT SAME ISSUE LESS THAN 2 YEARS AGO! Not to mention that I've been covered by your sorry company in some way shape or form since I was a goddamn fetus!

So I have been trying to channel my anger into crafting a logical and well-documented appeal. I'm trying not to be a crazy person and call those idiots. But then I get this email from them today:

Dear Amanda,

Thank you for your interest in health insurance coverage from DEVIL, INC. According to our records, you were mailed a package explaining the plan we offered you, along with the necessary explanations and forms. However, we have not received the completed forms.
If you are still interested in coverage from DEVIL, INC., you must return these forms within the next 15 days.

uhhh...once again...ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! I got your damn "offer" 2 business days ago. You are hanging on my last nerve, DEVIL, INC!!!

As I started to craft an angry reply email, I realized two things: 1) It's unlikely anyone will read this; and 2) If someone does read this I am gonna look like a total loon which won't help my appeal.

So I decided to replicate my dream reply email here on the blog to vent my frustrations in supportive environment. Perhaps others who have dealt with this bullshit can relate. I am hoping, at the very least, that getting this out will supress my anger enough so I can actually sleep.


Dear DEVIL, INC--

Thanks for the shout out! I appreciate your reminder of my recent denial. You're so thoughtful like that. I hope you're milking this whole "denial for pre-existing condition" thing before it's illegal in 3 years. How's that working out for you? I totally get that your boss is probably on your ass about meeting the yearly quota for denying folks for life-sustaining treatments and putting your hard-working friends and neighbors into debilitating debt. Sounds like a tough job! My boss can be a hard-ass, too. bwah bwah

So anyways, FUCK YOU AND YOUR 15 DAYS. Omigosh, I'm so sorry--that's my pre-existing condition acting up again. It makes me unable to filter my opinions.

Hey so remember that time when you covered me for the exact same condition like 2 years ago? Hey, that was fun! Maybe you could just do again for me---ya know, for old time's sake. And remember how my family and I have been loyal customers since the 1970's despite your asinine premiums? Well that was fun while it lasted, I suppose. I always knew you'd be a fickle friend. My mother warned me about you.

Don't you worry your deformed little head, DEVIL, INC! My appeal is on its way to you. Considering I am going to spend more than 48 hours putting it together, I think you'll be pleased that my appeal will be well thought-out and documented. I know you're anxious to receive it, DEVIL, INC--it's like waiting to open Christmas pressies!! It's so hard, I know! Time just seems to pass so slowly when you're sending out threatening letters and emails all day. That must be so hard for you!!! Are you working hard or hardly working, buddy? har har!

Anywho, you're an asshole as usual and I enjoy our love-hate relationship as much as the next American. I hope you'll consider covering me for my EXISTING condition which was KNOWN TO YOU ALL ALONG. That would be super.

Fortunately, we will only have to deal with one another for the next 9 months, as I am leaving your sorry ass for a system that won't rape my bank account. I know it hurts, babe. But I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll just find a poor old lady to harass or an infant to deny--just for shits and giggles. You will soon forget me.

I look forward to the displeasure of putting up with you for the next 9 months or so. Oh and by the way, when you get my letter, you have 7 business days to respond. Good luck!

Loveless always,
Amanda


Okay, I admit I feel a little better.

To all American Belles in England--give me the real scoop on the NHS. Can health care really be free and quality at the same time?


Whilst you mull that question over, check out this cartoon I found on Google