Blog Blast from the Past!

Four days til I leave for England!!! 
I have been talking about and planning for moving to England for over a year now and it's FINALLY happening, it still feels so surreal. 

The other day I randomly stumbled across a really really really old blog I had briefly around the time that I studied abroad in England in 2007.  This was my first time abroad, period.  I got a real kick out of my blog entry about my nervousness at moving to England for a few months.  It makes me smile cause I was so hopeful about my future with Kieran and I always knew it would work out this way...us, together...FINALLY.  So for old times' sake, here's my 20 year old self blogging about the anticipation of my first trip to England. WARNING:  I cussed at lot back then.  Okay, I still cuss a lot now but this particular entry is guilty of bad language.  :-)


okay party people, it's been far too long since my last post.


finally done at school, got through the semester with flying colors (thank God), and now back here in good 'ol MoCo. I gotta say i haven't done a whole lot since I've been home, just a lot of down time. Which I admit makes me quite antsy and frustrated cause i constantly have this feeling that there's something i need to be doing. I feel so lazy and useless!! I hate it. That's the TYPE-A Personality for ya. But as January 18 approaches, I've gotta spend some time buying stuff I need and finishing up some paperwork stuff. There's a lot still to do.


So yeah, England. Wow it's coming up fast. But somehow not fast enough. I keep envisioning myself at the airport and it just feels like this distant dream, some fantasy that won't actually happen--even though my plane ticket is bought and paid for and there's a dorm room with my name on it in Cheltenham.

 I have to admit, I'm really scared. What the fuck do I, a sheltered suburbanite with no travel experience, know about a foreign country? Can i handle it? Will I make friends? Can i afford this? Will i be homesick? 6 months is a damn long time. What if I get sick? What if I get lost? What if I run out of money? What if I hate it? What if people hate me? What if I get mugged? I'm gonna miss my family. What if something happens to grandma while I'm away? I'm gonna miss my friends. Are they going to forget about me? I'm scared.

 There's only one thing keeping my fears at bay right now. If it weren't for Kieran and his family I'd really be panicking right now, I'd be about ready to call Jarmila and be like, "HAHAH JUST KIDDING!" But I can't do that, I won't do that. Cause all I can see in my mind's eye is Kieran's face at London Heathrow with the biggest smile I've ever seen and I'll know it was all worth it. It means the past 3.5 months we've spent waiting and being sad and missing something was not in vain.
But for all these worrying thoughts, I really feel in my heart that this is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. The moment I get off that plane will be the first day of the rest of my life. I need this. I need to break away from my parents, push the boundaries, step outside my comfort zone. I need to prove to myself that I can truly take care of myself and flourish in a new situation. I need to find that faith in myself that I've lost completely. I need to learn to trust myself and feel good about the decisions I make. That I really can be okay in the long-run even if I'm nervous and uncomfortable at times. It's okay to make mistakes and fuck up and be confused. It's okay to be anxious and fearful, really!! I'd be concerned if i wasn't. I feel like this experience is really going to help me accept these things and be a better person afterwards. My goal is to love it so much that I cry all the way home. My goal is to cry like a bitch.

 When I say it's gonna be the "first day of the rest of my life," I really feel that applies to my relationship with Kieran as well. When he left that day in October, I can't recall ever feeling such pain. Missing him is agony. In the past 3.5 months, we've said a hundred bajillion "i miss you"s and every day i meant it more and more. Struggling together, we really grew closer. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was willing to put myself through this in order to say cheerful hello's in January. Every day that went by, I realized more and more that I HATE missing Kieran. He is the hardest person to miss. And I want to do everything in my power to make sure that in the future,I don't have to miss him. I'm gonna enjoy saying "hello" again for once. I'm fucking ecstatic, I dunno if there are words in the English language that can capture that emotion. But i enjoy putting a "FUCK" in there for emphasis, that helps some.Okay that's all for now. I'm NY-Bound tomorrow, feeling a little unwell, so I gotta try and shake this illness.



happy new year's people! Bring it on, 2007!! Let's make it a damn good one.

 Ohhhh 5-years-ago-me, you are a gem.

Toodles!
A